Mr. Possum Lake/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW How many times have you been in the middle of a hot shower when somebody flushes the toilet somewhere and you undergo a real quick change in temperature and heart rate? I'll tell you it's the biggest shock you can get in the bathroom since the invention of the full-length mirror. Well, I have a real simple solution. Get yourself a bunch of these safety flares. You know, people just throw them into the trunk of their car, and then they forget about them. So nobody's gonna mind if you just kinda help yourself. What you do is you just wrap these babies in around your shower head, see? Just like that there. Then when you light 'em, what's gonna happen is they're gonna heat the water as it comes through the pipe. Which means all you gotta do is turn on the cold water. That saves you money. And more importantly, it's flush proof. Perfect. And you know, under this warm glow, even us middle aged guys don't look too bad naked. I wonder what bernice is doing right now? [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. It's our annual mr. Possum lake competition with caribou lodge there. It's based on strength and speed. One year we based it on looks, but everybody came in fourth. So we've gone back to strength and speed because if you can't be strong, you gotta be fast; if you can't be fast, you gotta be strong. If you can be both you can be mr. Possum lake. If you can't be either, you can be harold. [ cheers and applause ] hi, uncle red. What's with the basket? You on your way to grandma's house? Ha-ha, no! I was collecting pine cones. And I saw the guys lined up down at the dock. Why is moose thompson in a thong? It may be a thong now, but when he put it on it was bermuda shorts. They're actually getting ready for the strength competition. They've gotta lift this box -- I'm gonna take it down to them in a minute. You see, the way it works is that each of the two lodges has to pick just one guy to represent them. So we have to pick our guy. I don't know why you do it like that. I think everybody should be able to compete. You know, that way guys like me would have a chance. Harold, guys like you never have a chance. If we let everybody compete, we would need a bigger hospital. Fine. Fine. Maybe I should try out, though, because this year they're looking for strength, speed and intelligence. What? Yeah, they changed the rules. Yeah, you need somebody who's strong, fast and smart. Oh, boy. Okay. Oh, no! Let me try. Let me try. Let me try. Oh, harold, really? My hands are sweaty. That's the thing. They're sweaty. I just get a little powder. [ coughing ] you all right? You should be good at this, harold. "clean" and "jerk" are your middle names. There you go. Hey! Huh? Huh? [ cheers and applause ] ow-w-w! That's good work. Bring it down to the dock so I can put the weights in it. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this coupon for a whole weekend of pony rides... In a 1984 hyundai pony. Offer subject to availability of tow truck. Okay, cover your ears there, mike. Red, you have 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, mike, what do you have when you have 24 bottles of beer? Blurred vision? Okay. Okay, mike, when you're in trouble, this is what your lawyer pleads. To pay his fee. Okay, you're familiar with these. It's called an open and shut... Cash register. Okay, this is something that most business men have, a brief... Affair? Okay, say there's a crime wave, okay, and the police chief has kind of a news conference, he'll say my best detectives are on the... Take. You guys are almost out of time here. Okay, mike, when you appear in court what does the bailiff announce? Uh, he says, hey, everybody, it's mike hamar again! And sometimes he even laughs, but that's a worst-case scenario. There we go! [ ♪ ] welcome to the experts portion of the programme this is where we address those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! That's true, isn't it? Okay, today's letter goes as follows... "dear experts, I recently turned 18, "and I am ready to become a man." I hope this is from a guy. Oh, women don't come to you, uncle red, for advice. Women don't come to you for anything, harold. [ laughter ] "dear experts -- to make myself more mature "I want to grow some kind of facial hair. "unfortunately, I can't decide between a beard, "a mustache, a soul patch, a goatee, side burns "mutton chops, chin music, handle bars, "five o'clock shadow, fu manchu "or the good ol' sigmund freud. "what do you think?" well, first of all, you're on the right track because that's a great way to be virile. To me, there's nothing more manly than a full, thick beard. Especially if you have a full thick head. [ laughter and applause ] uh, you know, I'm with mr. Green on this one, harold. Uh, like, a beard can be a great way to alter your appearance. And that can be extremely useful. I just don't think you have to grow all these wild whiskers all over your face. You know, a simple, subtle moustache will do nicely. Like mine. You have a moustache, harold? Yes! I'm just very fair haired. That's all. See? That's not a moustache, that's marmalade. The point is... Facial hair has nothing to do with making a man. This viewer can do whatever they like. There's all sorts of beard choices to be had out there. Just look at any style magazine. Or if you want a beard like harold's, look in the jams and jellies section. [ applause ] have you reached that point in your life when you realise that you're not all that special? Or more importantly, has your wife realised it? Well, today I'm going to show you how to get the attention and respect of your neighbours. Unless, of course, they've met you. But, hey, that's not my fault. You know when you look at pictures of fancy houses in these magazines then take a look at your own house? Notice a difference? I'm not talking about the nice trees and the no tarps on the roof and the lack of k-cars turned upside down on the front lawn. I'm talking about that fancy gingerbread trim they have on the eaves of some of the nice looking houses. Wouldn't your house look good with that kind of trim on it? Oh, I know what you're thinking... Where am I gonna get the money to do that? Or how am I gonna pull that one off? Or, hey, wait a sec, I'm not even married. Well, you know, like so many so many things in life a lot of times the answer's right in your own backyard. Chances are you've got a bunch of toys that you don't use any more because your kids have grown up and gone. Or maybe your grandfather charged them all on your visa card before you had him picked up. Well, I've got some great news for you because this isn't just junk lying around your yard any longer. In about one coat of paint from now, it's going to be your beautifully decorative gingerbread trim. Okay, now, if you use that painting technique you may get a little overspray there. You'll never even see that once the snow flies. Now you just take all your decorative items around to the front lawn, your sconces, your finials, your bric-a-brac, whatever. Then you just attach everything to your eaves in an artistic, yet subtly symmetric pattern. Oh, yeah, one other rule... Inflatable toys don't like staple guns. And there we go. Bring the ladder down so we get a better look. Oop! Oh! Oh! Yeah, that's got it. Okay, now, what did that cost us, eh? A gallon of paint, a back lawn and a couple of muscle spasms. Well worth it. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Speaking of which, this project will make your wife feel pretty darned special. The neighbours are really gonna notice you now! [ applause ] [ ♪ ] you ever notice the way married couples dress after the ten-year mark of a marriage? The husbands tend to dress, say, a little more casually than the wives do. I'm sure you've seen middle aged couples at the mall, and she looks great. Got the sharp outfit with the matching purse; he's wearing torn jeans and a stained sweatshirt, both of which fit him several years and hundreds of big macs ago. I'll tell you reason for the difference between men and women. Women choose clothes based on how they make them look, men choose clothes based on how they make them feel. Huh? Oh, yeah. See, men aren't that concerned with their appearance, married men even less so. Whenever you see a dress code, you know, at a function or at a club, that's for married men, believe me. See, the single men are still making the sales presentation. Married men have already closed the deal. They're just trying to honour the contract without losing all their dignity. But you ladies be careful out there, 'cause every man wants something. The better he's dressed the more he wants. A middle aged married guy, all he wants is to be left alone. So when you think about it, when he's wearing the ratty sweatshirt and torn jeans, heck, he's dressed for success. Remember, I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together. [ applause ] propane heats houses for country folk. Butane is used to light up your smoke. Methane's a gas who's not understood, but you can tell by the smell he's up to no good. Harold! Harold, congratulations. Pardon? Congratulations. You won the qualifying foot race. I just thought you guys were chasing me again. No. You know what that means? That means you're number one in the speed category. Oh! Oh! How did I do with strength? You're number one in the speed category. Okay. Well, how about intelligence? We don't have those results back yet. Nobody expected you to answer all the questions. You're driving the judges crazy with that. Hey, red, got the results of the intelligence portion. And here's a shocker... I'm not as stupid as ann marie says I am. Oh, sure you are. Oh, my gosh. Harold, you came in first in speed, and first in intelligence. Oh! Excellent! Oh, yes! And 157th in strength, just ahead of old man sedgwick. Well, actually old man sedwick beat him, but he failed the urine test because he couldn't produce a sample. Prostate? No, just stingy. Well, it doesn't matter, dalton. I came in first overall, so I'm gonna represent possum lodge in the mr. Possum lake competition. W-wait a minute, harold. Did you turn in a urine sample? No, he just gave them his mattress. Red (voiceover): Walter wanted to fly his little model airplane, so I came out to help him on that. And he's all excited about it. It's the old, they call them spitfire or something, flying tiger or something. Okay, walter, we get it. You know, sad to see him go like that. So I was gonna start her up there, the little 049, got here going. And the problem with these, I always find, is people get dizzy when they're running. And walter was no exception. You get spinning there because you gotta move your feet around. Okay. Then he starts losing it. Now the plane's coming after me. So I head for the shed, and it just knocked the garbage can lid there. Kind of split the lid a little bit. So we need another plan here. First we gotta find the -- the plane actually went into the garbage can. But I saw the lid there, and it gave me an idea. I thought, okay, you split her there with the prop, but if we put that back together again, and I'm thinking if you actually stood on the lid, and that would kind of spin around on the ground, maybe he wouldn't get so dizzy, because he's not turning. See, the thing is just stand there and just -- like I say, it was only a theory. So we get walter on there and, uh -- you know, in hindsight, I probably should've duct taped over the split that was there from the prop. Anyway, I got her going. And I -- it started to work, and he started to swing around nicely on it. But then the split opened and she starts to -- he starts to augur himself into the ground. And it's getting real low and getting ridiculous now. I gotta actually jump over the plane. And then he binds up -- now we got a real problem. And then the plane turns and heads for him. See, not always good to have a meal on a flight, I find. [ applause ] I'll tell you, the worst part of part of cutting your lawn is having to mow around trees or corners like this one. Okay, I suppose you could get one of those weed whackers, if you're made of money. Or you could have a brush fire, but you'd have to be on much better terms with your local fire department than I am. But as always, I've come up with a solution that's affordable, and -- well, let's just stay with affordable. These here are carpet remnants -- you know those little bits and pieces of carpeting you had left over when you decided to refinish the hardwood floors yourself, and then realised the only way out of that mess was to cover everything in the wall to wall? Well, now you can use all these little chunks you stopped your wife from throwing away. All's you have to do is paint them to match your lawn decor. Now, that's what I call cutting corners. You can also put these babies to work so you never have to trim around tree trunks again. Even if you hate dancing you can still cut a rug. Good thing you don't hate cheese. Don't worry. It's scotch-guarded. [ applause ] mike: I'm having a lot of trouble finding the right woman. Red: Well, she's not here. Dalton: You know, mike, sometimes the wrong woman can be a lot more fun. Mike: I'm talking about the real thing, a lasting relationship. I wanna be married, just like my mother -- except just once at a time. And by a real minister, not just a guy with a liquor license. Red: Well, you know, we can probably help you there, because dalton and I have been married quite a while. Dalton: Oh, yeah. Red: I'm sure we could answer any questions you might have. Mike: Great! Oh, yeah. Okay, um... I don't understand women. Like, when I'm in a relationship, I only think of one thing at a time, right, but the woman, she thinks of everything all at once. It's exhausting. Dalton: You know, mike, a man's mind is a lot like a net. You know, he'll go through a lot of information and he'll filter out what he wants, and that is what he hangs on to. Red: But a woman's mind is like a -- like -- well, it's like a bucket, eh? And when she goes through the information, she gathers up every little bit of it. And if the day ever comes when you've forgotten some of that information, well, she's only too happy to refresh your memory. Mike: So, like, you're saying a man's mind is like a sieve. Dalton: No, no, like a net. Red: Like a net. A man will go through a tremendous amount of information -- mike: And come up with nothing. sigh okay, mike, look. The man is -- is -- is the anchor -- the anchor. Dalton: In the marriage. Without the anchor there is no marriage. There's no marriage. Dalton: Without an anchor, you are sunk. Oh, geez! Oh! Luckily there's a woman there to bail us out. [ applause ] well, this was harold's big day representing possum lodge in the mr. Possum lake competition against caribou lodge. I couldn't go. I just didn't want to put the pressure on him. Didn't wanna watch him lose, and if he wins, that would probably even be uglier. Uncle red! Uncle red! Oh, have I got news for you. What a surprise. What is it, as if I didn't know. I found the perfect pine cone. What? What are talking about, harold? Quit kidding around. I'm not! Look at it. The shape, the colour. There's so many things you can do with a pine cone. I'm thinking of one right now, harold. Did you win the mr. Possum lake competition? Oh, that... No. Well, harold, there were only two of you. You must have won something. Okay, let me see. In strength I came in second. And then there was speed. I got the silver in that. Then there was the intelligence competition, and the person from caribou lodge, they came in second last. So you lost in all three categories? Very much so, yes. But I'm okay with that, you know? You're just going to have present the mr. Possum lake trophy at the lodge meeting tonight. This is humiliating, you know that? We didn't pick you because we wanted to lose. Oh, I know. I know. I know. If you wanted to lose, you would've gone in yourself. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. You go ahead. I'll be down in a minute. Okay. I'm fast! Well, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I was hoping maybe we could play a game of cards or chess or anything where you can just let me win would be great. Maybe a belching contest. I can win that unless your sister's there. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody take your seats. Meeting's coming to order here. Have a seat. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Men, it pains me to tell you, for the 12th year in a row we have lost to caribou lodge. And it is my displeasure to present the trophy to the person who beat harold in every category of the competition. sigh from caribou lodge, the new mr. Possum lake... [ applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com